i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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