I'm lost and stupid without you.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
