awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
