I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
