I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize