alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
