You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it's like heaven, but drunker
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
