i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
