a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
