I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
