dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
