Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
As shirtless as possible
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
