I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
