Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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