I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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