I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
