I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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