I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
