i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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