Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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