Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
