Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
