I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He better not be in your backpack
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
