Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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