I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize