Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
