i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
