I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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