what day is it and did you see me today?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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