Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
