the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
