she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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