i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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