I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
