this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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