woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
