If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
