A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
