I cannot find my penis.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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