my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
