Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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