Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You don't make any sense
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