That's intense
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
