So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
