My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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