omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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