it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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