She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize