you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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