i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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