is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
