JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
