you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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