the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
